Love and compassion isn't hugs and smiles all the time.

Yesterday- Philadelphia, PA. Caught a cabride from a South Vietnamese driver who noticed I was carrying a guitar amp. He asked if I played guitar: yes. He told me about how he used to play guitar and we was so happy and excited he told me about Fender and Gibson and all the rest. He was so happy talking about rock and roll and he told me gave up guitar in 1975. Then he he switched on the radio and wouldn't ya know ticket to ride was on and he sang me the chorus, all the time laughing. And we got back to him not playing guitar anymore and he told me about when the communists came to his country and his country used to be the land of freedom but when they came the music stopped for him. He told me that he was in the military and the No. Vietnamese sent him to a camp high in the mountains for four years and he told me that he never forgot the music in his head, it was all in his head. And he told me about how he played flamenco music and rock and roll and jazz and everything else and that when he played he felt the sky open he felt the clouds. He told me this incredibly heartbreaking story with the biggest fuckin smile I have ever seen and he told me to go to the library and look of the Vietnam War and read about his country and I told him I read plenty but I wanted to hear him talk that his was the only point of view that mattered. He didnt condemn anyone the entire time, the only thing he talked about was love and freedom and he broke my heart the fuck open and I thank him for it.

It bothers me that I spend more time drinking, eating, mindlessly working then sitting eyes half closed, palms on thighs, crosslegged breath watching.

Wonder how I'll feel when I'm looking back at time wasted.

6/12/04

have I given up the struggle?
more like given in.

birds diving for prey,
children learning to pray.

we live alone in a beautiful condition.
this country is green w/ envy.

floating on beds of salt water.

the wheels will always turn
as broadcasts fall short.

there is nothing that can't be done.
there is nothing i can't be.
there no-thing we are not.

Like lambs to the slaughter concert.

The witches eat the juciest bits.

They pretend to care.

Am I a cult unto myself?

Mosquito wings.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Skipping and drooling, lying in wait.

Making plans.

A double life of paranoia.

The trees are alive!

I'm all smiles looking back.

Have you kept in touch?

I want to say what hasn’t been said.
So I will rest here and die in peace.
I will be silent, triumphant.
Away from our cities, away from our fear.

Here come the storms.
Here come the enemies.
Buried alive and reborn in the sand.
They point bullet stares our way.

Riding your eyes to the floor.
Riding your breath to dissolution.
In between our eyes and this space
We are aware of how real this is.

7/18/03

No shit. I had this dream last nite.

Jesus was running for president on the Republican ticket. I can only assume he came down here to sort out the mess we're in.

I remember trying to read up on some of his teachings in the Bible before I went to see him speak. I couldn't believe it was actually Jesus!

Anyway, he held a huge Billy Graham style rally (I remember feeling like there were lots of peaceniks but not too many fundamentalists). When Jesus hit the stage I was blown away by what I was seeing.

He was solid (not quite fat, but looked like he enjoyed his share of beer and hamburgers). He had glasses, long braided hair and a scruffy moustache and chin beard. He was wearing tight acid wash jeans (I think) into which a white sleeveless shirt was tucked. He looked half biker deadhead and half redneck (or is this character one in the same).


What could this mean?

8/21/03

I was
born in yr eyes when
god set california
on fire to punish
them for all of my
sins.

It is there that
flowers grow from the
pavement and palms
from our hearts
and greed from our
lips and pain from
our dreams.

I touched you
after touching down drunken,
tranquilized.

I carried a promise in my
pocket so there was never any fear. Only imagined-
projected over the hills
in the valley and into the radio
tower sky burned brown and scarred
by our urine.

Why is it I still
smell you at every turn?

...

Where are you and
why don't you respond to my
neurotic calls?

Do you swallow light? Do you
swallow my sound?

Will you hate beyond your years
so when you finally explode over
the sage and sand your vapor will
fill and replenish the dry
ground once again. Will it
take as long to find ourselves
and set the course
straight for all time?

...

Noble Buddhas! Blanket our
earth with wish and ash and
bone of wise compassion and fury.

Clear our minds of sin that
never exists, and samsara that does
only in dreams.

Noble Buddhas! Deafen us to ignorance
and remove our heavy serpent tongues!

Descend upon us like silent assassins and
slice us through and slay our duality.

6/4/04

What is the buzz going up my spine?
Maybe its drugs and love
Perhaps its tender momentary recognition of brotherhood?
I hope its both-

insect shadows
falling on a tee shirt white bleached by a sun-my son
not yet born.
my sins-not yet revealed to me.

.............................................................

Amazing! even in the suburbs
The world is pregnant
Fragrant
Alive.

Dial tone, then we're angry
failed communication
and that was my major!

Karmic bad dreams have me second guessing, looking over shoulders left and right.
I feel the knot (my heart), the separation in the wake of explosive nightime insights.
Strange to realize there really is no separation of mind, our world. Its all mind I guess.

Jacqueline danced across the room and picked up her things from the corner.

How have I gotten here? How long have I been?

It was then she noticed that she wasn't here at all. It was brief, but it was enough. She had quite enough. She shook off her fear and turned around.

Even at this early hour she was graceful. She made her way across the floor once more and out the door.

She sung a tune in her head as she descended the stairs.

This time it's for real. You never could have guessed your life would end this fast...